So…. It’s been a while since my last post… Honestly, Life happened.
From August until now, this very day, I have walked from one life altering decision/situation into another. While this sounds shocking, if you think about it, we make decisions everyday that are full of life changing potential.
It started with being let go from my full time. Then, the Lord began to show me how much my children needed me. Getting them the support they (and I) needed has been taking up a HUGE portion of my time. I am in therapy and continue with those visits. Then we had the holidays (which, with my background, is a difficult time for me). I have also began to work with a Functional doctor to address some issues I’ve found in myself.
Needless to say, I was pretty thin there for a while. I piled all these obligations on top of myself, all in the name of BETTERMENT. Fast tracking a process that needs time to be completely successful.
In the past, I’ve had huge struggles with just feeling ok. I’ve pressed in and pressed on. Steaming full charge into what I believed would help me be the person I longed to be. This leads to huge progress and then…relapse, regression, a constant flux of better and worse.
This leads me to self blame and depression. My disappointment has me believe I’ll never be successful at life. It’s a deep, dark hole that I have to decide to crawl back up out of…. and I do. Probably LONG before I should.
Today I was spending some time with God. We were talking about how I’ve been feeling frustrated. I began to thank him for always being with me. I thanked him for loving me no matter my condition and thanking him for being so constant.
I thought about writing about consistency around Christmas and as he always does, God is walking me through a season that makes these ideas concrete to me. I haven’t felt ready to share about it until today.
The last straw was an allergic reaction that I am battling right now. I spent days on heavy doses of benadryl. Exhausted but not able to slow my mind down to sleep, my mood was deplorable. I had to stop my (expensive) supplements and basically restart my wellness program with my doctor. Then the steroids….ugh. I went to urgent care and the ER, my husband had to babysit me because I was so out of it.
I’m slowly weaning off of the steroids. I am feeling better each day. The message was recieved….SLOW DOWN.
I’m learning to decifer what is speaking to me. Is it my anxiety telling me NOW, RIGHT NOW? Does my decision to press through bring more peace or more stress?
Now don’t get me wrong, our bodies are creatures of habit. They are stubborn and when we make changes they do resist. They can do crazy things, that’s why peace is important. Walking through a challenging season peacefully allows you to make wise decisions. It allows you to remain levelheaded and safe.
I sat at my kitchen table and pulled out Ecclesiastes. We all know it. There is a time for everything. To build, to dance, to cry, to scatter, etc. (Chapter 3) Like so many amazing things, we get used to them and then they don’t seem as important anymore.
For me, it’s peace. It’s God promising me that my time is coming. That I am not in control of his plans. While I am eager to run and do for him, he is eager for me to rest and be whole.
Ecclesiastes 3:11 (ESV) says: He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.
Beautiful in it’s time…beauty isn’t coming. It is here. In every moment, in every season. Each one fulfilling it’s purpose, bringing about the things we desire.
To look objectively, each one of the seasons cancels each other out, why plant if you will just pluck up? Why live if only to die? To someone who leans toward the negative, it just seems a waste. You begin and end with nothing… but God has placed Eternity into our hearts.
What? Eternity here is debated. Olam in hebrew basically means a sense, a longing for, a knowledge of the future (it also means darkness, which corresponds to the end of the verse). This is a promise.
This is what brings purpose. This is God assuring us an end from our beginning. Yes, it’s time to cry but it won’t always be this time. Yes, it’s time to plant but there WILL be a harvest. It’s a beautiful assurance that even in the inconsistencies we live, God is above it all. He is consistent and has given us a “method to our madness”.
This is the tender care of a father interested in the details. This is God saying, it’s all important, it all matters and I’m working it out to your end.
I’m in a season of rest, a season of inward focus and growth. Just as all these seasons seem to undo one another this seems counterproductive to all I’m trying to accomplish. It feels so inconsistent. But God called it beautiful. He calls us all beautiful. Right. Where. We. Are.