In my last post I mentioned all the emotional baggage I’ve been working through lately. As a working mother it can be an extremely difficult balance between home and work life. All these difficult things pile up on top of us and can be challenging to navigate. We feel pulled in different directions, lines get blurred and boundaries get crossed. Really working on yourself and trying to be healthy is difficult enough when everything else is fine but when you’re struggling emotionally, mentally, financially or in any other way the stress can be overwhelming.
Putting everything on pause so you can deal with what’s going on in your life isn’t always an option. Bottom line is, your boss doesn’t care what goes on in therapy, your kids don’t care how bad your day was, and your bills will come at the same time every month. It’s easy to get caught up in it all. It’s easy to feel like you have to do everything for everyone and be everywhere all the time. It can catch you and engulf you before you even realized it’s happened. It’s a scary place to be. It’s a place where no answer seems like the right answer and nothing you do seems to help you cope. I’m learning how to let go of some ideals that I have about what a mom, what a wife, and what a career should be. I’m learning to take everything a little at a time and giving myself the freedom of compassion. I’m learning that a mistake is not always my last mistake. These decisions are not always going to be a do-or-die. I’m learning to say no and hold space for myself. Nothing is worth my peace.
About a month ago I was laid off from my company. The sad truth is, other than health benefits, I really had no reason to stay. I thought I was doing what my family needed me to do. I thought that a career somehow made me more valuable. I thought that Corporate America was where it was at. To be honest, it was killing me.
For some moms, working a corporate career is fine, and really where you work, how you work, and if you work isn’t the point of this post. It knowing where you fit, it’s knowing what resonates with you and what makes you happy. No, we’re not all in a position to walk away from a job and benefits and a paycheck that we know is going to come every week or two. I don’t encourage anyone to make unwise decisions. I stayed where I was for so long because I had to and if they hadn’t to let me go I would still be there. After much prayer and discussion with my husband though, we decided that it was time.
I’m an all-or-nothing type person. I give everything I have away and rarely keep anything left for me. I believe most moms are this way. There’s always someone to take care of, someone needs us more than we need ourselves. At this time in my life I need to give to me. I need time and space to go through, sort out and deal with all that is going on personally with me. I need compassion and support to heal all the things that have hurt me.
There may be days when I get my kids off to school and I lay back down and not get up for a while. There may be days that I don’t change out of my pajamas. There may be days that I rest because I pushed myself to hard the day before. I need the space to be able to accept that.
There may be days that I do really well respecting my body and my heart. I pray these days come more often. I believe they will.
God promises us the desires of our hearts, he promises that if we would seek him, seek his son, seek his presence then he would bless us beyond anything we can comprehend. It only requires trust.
What are you hoarding away? What pain? What relationship? What situation? Where do you need a total engulfing of the Lord? Pray that he would expose that hurting place. Pray that he would show you what will bring you closure and, utimately, peace.
Then seize it. Grab on to it and absolutely refuse to let it go. Walk that road you’ve shied away from. Be bold for your dreams. We’re taught that idealism, dreams, morals are all for kids. Grown ups don’t believe that way, they don’t walk thier lives that way but God’s word says that we MUST have child like faith to recieve heaven.
You are a child. His child. He loves you with a ferocity that burns just as brightly today as it did at creation; at the cross. He doesn’t see your heart as something to be discounted or discarded. He cares, deeply, for every minute detail of you. You matter to him. You matter to his world. Your happiness matters. Your dreams matter. What freedom there is in knowing you can be joyful no matter what you are experiencing now.
He loves you, all of you. He cherishes you, all of you. His delight is in you. You make him happy. Trust him, with the hurt; with the fear; the disappointment. Watch Him bring light and healing into that space. Watch Him accept you, all of you and then… watch Him lift you up.
He believes in you and so do I.
Praying for you,