Good Morning Loves! My family and I went on vacation so it’s been a little over a week since my last post. We visited New Orleans and had a blast. There was so much to do and see! It was truly incredible! It was wonderful to rest and relax. We walked EVERYWHERE and were all exhausted by the end of the day. I put some pictures in here for you all to look at!
We hadn’t planned to go but with all that has been going on we decided to. My heart really needed it. This past year has been really difficult for me. I am glad I was able to get away and focus on myself and my family for a few days.
Little E starts First grade today, so I’m emotional. She’s getting so big. She was excited to go and her daddy had to remind her to say bye. It’s a humbling experience to watch this child you created, birthed, nurtured and raised all her life just walk away from you. It can be scary. It can hurt. I do not like it.
The great thing though is that my husband and I are raising children who will one day be adults. They will have their own hopes, dreams, and ambitions. We’re raising them to be independent and strong.We are raising them to have faith and be courageous, to try again if they fail, to look at challenges as opportunities and to succeed even if they succeed all alone.
Still, letting go takes practice. It takes a balance of skill and grace. Truthfully, I’m not the most graceful. I stumble over my words, my feet and life events in a way that both astonishes and mortifies me. For example, I went to lean behind an astronaut suit at the Audubon Aquarium, thinking it was placed there for children to play in…. nope. It was so dark in the exhibit that I didn’t see the plate steel anchors holding it into the wall. Guess who smacked their forehead into one so hard it’s still a little tender? Yup, this guy. In shock, I spun around to see my husband staring at me, mouth open. I know he was wondering if I would faint or not. I started laughing and crying and felt so embarrassed. Luckily, no one else saw. I was HUMILIATED.
Letting go takes patience, with yourself and everyone else but, mostly you. You’ll pace the floor and ask a million times if you can help. Could I please…? You know, It would be so much easier if…? Do you know…? Can’t I just…? and on and on. It can be frustrating. It can be disheartening.
The good news is we can embrace these seasons of change and create lasting memories for everyone. No I agree, it’s not a great consolation prize. Not for us anyway. For our children it means everything. We have the power to empower them to succeed. We can show them that the world is a wonderful place to live in. We can be their advocate until they find their voice.
For those of us with PTSD, Anxiety, and/or Depression it can be difficult to embrace these seasons. The unknown is a breeding ground for fears and worries. Everything in that place is beyond our control. In our pasts, being caught up in uncontrollable circumstances has proved to be dangerous time and time again. It’s in these moments that I try to disengage myself until I am able to be constructive. I remind myself I have a choice. I always have a choice.
In this instance I can choose to pull her out of public school and home school her. I can choose to micromanage her and criticize her teacher and the school. I can refuse to let her accept ANY responsibility. Finally, I can accept that she will go through a lot of new experiences as will I and her father and her brother.
I’m so grateful for my therapy sessions that are slowly showing me how to release my anxiety about these things. I’m grateful for a great support system through my family and friends. I’m grateful for God and all that he is and the healing I’m experiencing. I’m thankful for all of you who read my blog and help me not feel alone. I’m grateful that I’m able to help people, even directly out of my suffering, my chaos. Thank you for this privilege.
Wishing I was still Vacationing,