Some days I do really well. REALLY well. I get so many things accomplished and am able to focus on important things. Then, other days, I’m a mess. Not a hot one either. It’s like nothing feels right. Like when you put a sweater on over your t shirt and it the fabric clings together. When you wear it you get too hot but when you take it off you freeze. Everything gets twisted up, you get itchy, you get sweaty, you get aggravated.
My life can be like that sometimes, the fabric of it just irritates me. I’m restless, I can’t scratch the itch. Sometimes I freak out for no other reason than my life has made me irritable. I overreact at nothing. Anxiety and fear weigh on me. I have a hard time seeing that I can do this, that I am capable of living a normal life.
Sometimes the demands of two small children, a full time job and two part time jobs are all I can handle.My husband becomes exhausted and overburdened as well. Sometimes this adds up to small implosions in our little world. Tired and itchy parents, working for what seems like nothing start to see one another as enemies not friends.
Honestly, the past two weeks have been extremely difficult for me. I’ve been working on a lot of personal issues with my therapist and it has me on edge. I am an extremely anxious person and all the stress and change has brought on a few anxiety attacks. I’ve laid in bed and made myself breathe deep and slow so I don’t hyperventilate. I am running between home and work (on a spare tire because mine blew out on the interstate last Friday) and at the end of the day I just want a hug…and a margarita. Usually My husband is gone to one of his two jobs and that’s ok with me…most of the time. With much guilt and a tad bit of embarrassment I will say that I don’t know what’s going on in his life, I’m not currently involved in it.
We move past one another, looking but not seeing. We hear but we don’t listen. We push at one another, trying to get the comfort we need. We reach out, hoping the other one notices but, they do not. Eventually we don’t reach out anymore. We hold back, in selfishness we want the other to fix what is wrong. In fear, we refuse to admit that life is too much right now. Our insecurities about ourselves and our relationship bleed into our everyday and stain everything we do and say.
Personally, I get to a place where my mind screams, YOU CAN”T DO THIS. Marriage isn’t for you. Family isn’t for you. A career definitely isn’t for you. It puts the breaks on and stops me short. It puts a paralyzing fear in my heart and I just shut down.
That’s when the mistakes start coming… and coming…. and coming. I say things I don’t mean. I do things that literally make no sense to me AS I”M DOING THEM. I drive those I love crazy and myself as well then I have the audacity to argue that I’m not the problem. Just knowing that I’m alone and no one cares. That I’m a failure caught in a riptide of misguided ambition. I come under attack and I’m not always great at fending it off. I start causing damage to those closest to me. My biggest fear is that it is irreparable.
I lose sight of the many promises God gave me for my life. I lose sight of him totally at times. I know we all can at times. Oh, but he is so faithful and so good. He waits for the tantrum to lose it’s fever. He lets it quiet and then he leans over and wraps his arms around you. His love engulfs you when you are ready. If not, He just waits until you say so.
This is the first time in a long time that we have had such a mis-connection in my marriage and I have a lot of repairing to do. I have a lot of forgiveness to give and seek. God said this, “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” Colossians 3:12-14
Love, I have forgotten to love my husband. Not the romantic kind, the God kind. The kind that brings compassion, kindness, humility, meekness and patience to your relationship. The kind that returns forgiveness for injury. The kind that causes harmony not hurt.
I have missed the point entirely haven’t I Lord? No, I can’t do anything. No, he cannot do anything. No I am not capable of this gift of love and neither is he. You are. You have given us life, as people and as spouses. Our life was birthed out of that love. If I want life in my marriage I must have love. If I want love in my marriage I must have you.
With all my Love,
(T, I apologize.)
Photo Credit: veeterzy (unsplash)